Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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