Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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