oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
