Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
