i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize