He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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