Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
