I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
