Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
