i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
