my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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