you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
