i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
pray to the hookup gods
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
