ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize