worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So squirting runs in the family.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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