i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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