Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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