every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I cut my penus on the lid.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
