what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
