forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
