you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
