All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
