well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
