Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
