I molested 6 butterflies tonight
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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