Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize