I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
