There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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