Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
