I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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