Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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