Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
