I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
