i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
