nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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