If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
