i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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