everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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