We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize