wrigley field is MILF paradise
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
