your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
