What a fucking waste of an outfit
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
cat food counts as protein by the way
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
