yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
