I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
