just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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