Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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