Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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