I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
