You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
