I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize