And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
