Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
