apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
