I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize