I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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