somebody snuck up and got me drunk
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
