he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize