She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
