well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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