cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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