I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
