So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i need some magic done to my vagina
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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