Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
